Splapheads Downed By Youngsters

Broomfield's long wait for action finally ended on Sunday in blistering temperatures at Weston Green Sports Club. More than 100 people were in attendance for the first playing of The Michael Brown Memorial Cup and enjoyed a fantastic day in memory of our old comrade. Many of the older boys struggled early on in the blistering temperatures as the youngsters, playing some highly skillful football, surged into a 6–0 half-time lead. But a mixture of generous substitutions, a revolutionary 5–4–5 formation, the introduction of a nine-year-old goalkeeper, and a superb all-round effort from the oldies resulted in an exciting second half and a final score of about 7–5 or so. H and Glenn both scored twice and Dave Palmer luckily evaded his marker for a last minute strike. I can't remember all the youth team scorers but Cameron, Stuart, Harvey, Lloyd and one of the Gardner's (not sure which one as I was in the bar – but he has been posthumously awarded Goal of the Match) all bagged at least one.

Players of the Match were Alan Banks and David Lloyd. Dirtiest Player was Steve Adams. Officials were Matt Bowles, Rob Donovan, David Preston and Ian Wilson. And, much to our surprise, the guy who runs the club was the grey-haired full-back for Starpoint when we had that massive ruck with them.

The Michael Brown Memorial Cup was presented to winning captain Harvey Brown by Michael's father David.

Youth team: Scott Adams, Daniel Gardner, Will Stephenson, Jonny Brown, Luke Gardner, Stuart Ramsey, Tom Pryce, Alan Banks, Michael Brown, Cameron Ramsey, Harvey Brown, Jon Lewis, Lloyd Harle, Lawrence Brown, Freddie Brown, Ed (Nobby's nephew) Ben Gardner, Andy Gardner, David Preston, Phil Stephenson

Manager: David Preston, Assistant Manager: Jim Aylward

Old Gits: Paul Adams, Ian Wilson, Simon Bowell, Nick Hills, Nigel Gardner, Steve Adams, David Lloyd, Richard Brown,  Howard Pryce, Jim Reynolds, Jon Pryce, Dave Palmer, Jason Norris, Wayne Boswell, Nicko Coode, Clive Dabney, Dave Lonsdale, Paul Kent, Steve Welfare Phil Culshaw, Matt Bowles Rob Donovan

Manager: Richard Kane, Assistant Manager: Rob Donovan

Injured: Martin Lambert

Also in attendance: Michaael Bowring, Saul Hough, Simon Duke, Windy Miller, Steve Lamb, Tim Wheeler, Kirsty Robinson, Steve Chantel, Doug Rabey

Apologies for anyone I've forgotten. A full account of the day will follow shortly...

More Glory For Fulham

Congratulations to David Lloyd whose Fulham fanzine, There's Only One 'F' In Fulham, won the Best Football League (Print) category at The New Football Pools British Fanzine Awards.

The winner of the Best Football League (Print) award  was QPR's A Kick Up The Rs. Curiously, both TOOFIF and AKUTRs were created as a direct result of the proposed Fulham Park Rangers merger in the 1980s, at least proving that some good did come out of that short-lived fiasco. 

Incidentally, are any of you aware that Fulham are in Europe next season??

Future Players No.1 A New Stentiford

This is Alexander Graham Stentiford who was born on the 7th May somewhere in Obamaland.

As yet, the club is unaware of his views on rimming.

A load of old cobblers

Broomfield players have done many bad things over the years but, with the possible exception of Cab, would have been unable to repeat the antics of this footballer. 

Ex-Cobbler found guilty of indecent exposure

Published Date: 19 May 2009

Former Northampton Town defender Daniel May has been found guilty of indecent exposure.

May, 20, who played for Cobblers in 2007-08 before being released at the end of that season, was seen walking down the road with his genitalia lifted up over his tracksuit bottoms. 

He walked past a woman, who, from a distance, mistook his obscene actions for a cuddly toy tucked in his trousers, St Albans Crown Court was told. 

The jury took just over an hour to find May guilty of deliberately indecently exposing himself intending to cause harassment, alarm or distress. 

The court was told that May, who played his last game for Cobblers against Leeds in January 2008, denied deliberately exposing himself.

He was released on bail for sentencing next month

Ashes Countdown No.1

Anybody who claims that Australians are a bunch of foul-mouthed racists should perhaps check out the video that accompanies this story.

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/national/814694/man-shot-twice-in-leg-in-inner-sydney

The Secret Lives of Broomfield Players No. 2 – Ted Webster

I bet you thought Ted Webster was larging it up on the beach in sunny Australia. Well think again. It now appears that the lanky goalscoring machine is actually in Poole in Dorset where he has set up a 'family centre'. Any of you doubting that this is OUR Ted Webster need only to click here to see some of the services on offer at the centre. For those incapable of clicking, these include:

• Youth offending referral order panels

• Drop-in service for victims of domestic violence

• Assessments with Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services

• One-to-one appointments with the Young Adults Drug and Alcohol Service

I rest my case.

Dress Rehearsal

In a warm-up for next month's epic clash, several Broomfield players old and new lined up against each other in Bushey Park last Sunday.

Simon Bowell, Richard Kane, David Preston and Phil Stephenson, together with an Israeli trialist, teamed up against a youth team side which included future players Alasdair Kane, Tom Kane, Cameron Ramsey, Stuart Ramsey and Will Stephenson.

It was just like the old days as Kip dominated the penalty area, Cab bossed the midfield and El Supremo ran the opposition defence ragged. Well it was for the first 14 seconds until we ran out of breath. Incredibly, they managed to battle on for another 40 minutes and were only beaten 8–5 with Stuart Ramsey managing to sneak in six lucky goals.

A fine day was enjoyed by all and the celebrations continued long into the night at the Accident and Emergency Department of Kingston Hospital.

Yet Another Webster Striker No. 273

Grace Webster in training for the reunion match. In the best traditions of her Uncle Mark, she seems ready to hand out plenty of 'stick' to anyone who crosses her.

The Secret Lives of Broomfield Players No. 1

Kipper the Stripper?

Everyone's Reading About Broomfield

The Club Website is proving so popular that anyone who Googles "Broomfield Football Club" will now find our site on the first page. Admittedly, we are at the bottom (the first two entries are imposters despite one of them allegedly forming in 1905) but this is testament to the site's popularity. We have now had over 3,300 hits in under two months – not bad for a side that hasn't turned out for 13 years.

Managers Announced for the Big Game!!!

Richard Kane and David Preston are unveiled at yesterday's press conference.

Michael Brown Trust Fund

We now have details of the Trust Fund set up for Michael Brown's five young children for anyone wishing to make a contribution: 

"Menzies LLP client a/c Children of M J Brown"

Sort code 60 24 20

Account number 03700682

Ref: Children of M J Brown

Match Date Confirmed!!!!! – Sunday 14th June

We can now confirm that the Michael Brown Memorial Cup match will take place on Sunday 14th June at Weston Green Sports Club, Longmead Road, Thames Ditton KT7 0JF. Click here for a map. 

As it is a memorial game, the people at Weston Green have also very kindly offered us the pitch for free, as long as we do good business at the bar (which I explained shouldn't be a problem).

A full bar plus snacks such as burgers, bacon rolls etc will also be available on the day. An exact kick-off time has yet to be agreed but the festivities will commence at 12.15pm, so please tell friends family and anyone else you can think of.

More details will follow shortly.

Broomfield On The Lash!!

Several of the Broomfield massive hit the streets of Esher on Friday to celebrate Nicko Coode's 40th birthday by drinking vast quantities and irritating bouncers and passing women in equal measures. Along with Nicko were El Supremo, Bozzer, H, Nigel Gardner, Rob Matthews, Jim Reynolds and JFK (aka Richard Brown) together with bitter Southborough rivals Jon Pryce, Andrew Gardner and Dicky Condon. Occasional Woodentop Simon Macara was also in attendance plus Nicko's friends the Rt Hon. Charlie Green-Smythe and Mr David Roof.

After spending the day at Sandown Park races, where Nicko was whipped by some busty young lovelies selling raffle tickets, the group moved on to The Wheatsheaf in the futile hope of witnessing Nigel Gardner actually buy a round of drinks. Next stop was The Albert Arms, but for some reason, the bouncers decided that 20 tired and emotional middle-aged gentlemen were not suitable for their establishment and entry was refused.

The party reconvened over the road at The Bear where all seemed to be going smoothly until a group headed by Rambo was asked to leave after the bouncers maliciously suggested that there had been some untoward activity occurring in the gentlemen's toilets. Fortunately, displaying a deftness of foot rarely seen on the football pitch, several of the party managed to sneak back into the Albert. Nicko, Rambo, Bozzer, El Supremo and Richard Brown then went on to enjoy several more gallons of alcohol before Nicko was sadly ejected on account of him being unable to speak or stand up. 

The final stragglers (Boz and the Boss) were last seen enjoying a lock-in at a nearby hostelry.

Warning!!!

This man has recently been in contact with the club and unless somebody can find us a referee we run the risk of him officiating our game in June. You have been warned.

Main Website Updates

The main website now has pages from the 1986 Eddie Potter Cup Final programme and the 1993 and 1995 club dinner brochures. Click here to see them. We have also added more pictures from the 1994 dinner which can be viewed here.

More player profiles have been updated and these should be all completed by the end of the month.

Remembering Michael Brown

On Wednesday 22nd April, family, friends and former Broomfield players packed out Reigate Park Church to say goodbye to Michael Brown.

Despite being a sad occasion, it was also a chance to remember Sponge's many exploits – good, bad, indifferent and the downright unrepeatable.

A trust fund is being created to provide for Michael's five young children. Many will wish to contribute to this individually but we will also be making a contribution on behalf of the club. Please let me know if you would like to make a contribution either in your own right or via the club.

Also, our reunion match in June will now be contested for the Michael Brown Memorial Cup. It will be an event for all players past and present together with all their friends and family – and will be contested every June in memory of Michael. I am hoping to be able to confirm an exact date by this coming Friday.

Where Are They Now? No. 5

The years have been less than friendly to some of the club's most legendary figures. Hidden in this picture, taken at a recent wife-swapping event in Surbiton, are a notorious Woodentop, a former captain, a former manager, a one-time Young Player of the Year and the club's new Turkish Chief Scout. Can you identify them?

Michael Brown

It is with terrible sadness that we learnt of the passing of Michael Brown over the Easter weekend.

Few, if any, can claim to be as synonymous with what it was to be a Broomfield player as 'Sponge' and he was an example to us all over the past few difficult years.

We pass on our very sincerest sympathies to Michael's wife Nuala, their five children and all his family and friends.

Have You Seen These Men?

All Starpoint Pics Now On Main Website

Offical Club Badge

Equipment and help

Following a generous donation of £5 from myself, the club bank account is now approximately £5 in credit. However, we will require some kit and equipment for our big game. So does anyone have any access to the following?:

• Two sets of shirts (as big as possible)

• Some balls

• Some players

• A referee and whistle

If we had some money, we could possibly purchase a set of cheapo shirts which would eventually be used as our second kit. But that will still cost us £100+ in the end-of-season sales and as I am still waiting to be paid for work I did last year, I am fairly cash-not-rich at the moment.

All suggestions, donations, gratefully received.

NEW GROUND

The Old Cranleighans plan has finally been booted into touch – after all, who wants to play at a ground where Chelsea play? However, the good news is that we are very confident of securing a pitch next door at what used to be the old Wandgas ground, now called Weston Green Sports Club. 

This is particularly appropriate, given that the club was focused around Weston Green during it's so-called glory years, both at The Cricketers and The Lamb and Star. The club has a bar and a café that serves bacon sarnies etc.

Some of you, though, won't remember where the ground is. On one notorious occasion, a car full of players and driven by Leggy failed to negotiate the hazardous and complicated journey from The Star to the ground (a distance of about 400 yards) and never made it to the game against Surrey Electric. As a result, a scratch team, including Marc Kent in goal, was sent into battle. It was a bruising encounter which saw Kent carried off (thankfully ending his career) and The Boss inspiring his 10-man side from the position of libero.

Anyway, I'm talking to the geezer there at the weekend – to book a pitch for the reunion game, to discuss friendly games for the summer and for next season, and to plan for the 2010–2011 season. We may also enter a summer league there. Pitch prices are about £70 which is pretty good for this day and age.

There are a few people keen to play who are away in May, so we are now looking at the 14th or 28th June for the reunion match. The date will hopefully be confirmed by Monday.

Where Are They Now? No. 4

The Mitchell brothers turn up for Peggy's wedding.

Young Gooners Skin-up

More Programmes and Pictures on Website

Our club historians have managed to dig up three more club dinner programmes, for the years 1987, 1991 and 1992. Pages have been, and will be, posted on the Club Documents page on the Club Website. Click here to see. We have also unearthed some more team photos which have been posted on the Team Photos page  – found under Other Pages on the left-hand drop-down menu. Click here to see.

I'll post a few on here as well but this site has an upload limit,

Broomfield 1988-89

Bad Boys No. 1 Culshaw and Preston

Phil Culshaw recalls this occasion when he and the Boss managed to miss a game.

"I love our commitment to the team. You and I after going to Wal's sister's party in Bethnal Green, still too pissed or really couldn't be arsed to play. So we holed up in a lay-by somewhere then rocked up to the game an hour after kick-off telling anybody that would listen that we were stopped by the police on the way home from the party and slammed in clink for the night.

"Avoiding playing and getting all the team to feel sorry for us. It was a win, win!!"

When asked about this alleged incident, Mr Preston responded: "I have no memory of this, or indeed anything else".

Broomfield FC sponsored by:

* Reposted for contractual reasons

Buying Online?? Please Do It Via The Broomfield Club Shop

Okay, we are ready for the accusations of selling out but buying online goods via the Broomfield Club Shop on our main website really can earn the Club some money. By buying goods, via the our shop, you can earn the club a percentage of the sale in hard cash. Apple for instance will give us 1% of any purchases – quite good when I buy my next laptop, while Dell offers 2.5%. Loads of companies are participating in this, including Tesco Currys and Asda. Go to our main website and click on Club Shop to read all about it.

I've just bought Resident Evil 5 from Game via the Broomfield Club Shop and earned the Club a whopping £1.00. Just as well, actually, as that's the only money we have!

Obviously, only do it if it's the cheapest alternative but there really is no catch as long as you visit a company's site via the Broomfield Club Shop. The company who helped me set up the site receive a commission for referrals but that doesn't affect the ultimate cost. So next time you are considering buying something online, check if the company you're buying from is participating with us, and then purchase it via our shop. No hassle, no form filling just a couple of extra clicks.

I know I sound like a salesman but it really can help us – though I still have to wait a few weeks to get my hands on the £1.00.

You have my guarantee (well, sort of) that this is all above board. OK, enough of the sensible stuff, back to the swearing...

Disciplinary Ramblings

It appears that the club managed to achieve the worst disciplinary record in the entire league for the 1982-83 season. I think that was the season where we had two players sent off in the one game. Cab was one after the referee claimed his penalty had missed when it had actually gone in but had escaped through an unsecured net. In the aftermath, there were allegations of Simon trying to kick the referee and threats of a lifetime ban, but he was back a few games later only to receive his marching orders once again.

The following season saw Charlie Coughlin sent off for violent conduct in a friendly against Berrylands. Quite apart from chasing the ref and several players around the pitch in a scene reminiscent of The Benny Hill Show, Charlie was actually playing under the name of 'Tim Wheeler' as he was banned for two months for, er, getting sent off.

The 1986–87 season was fairly forgettable with just two wins in all competitions and no records of any gross misdemeanours. However, it did end on a bright note with several of the Old Wimbledonians team confessing that they were apprehensive about playing in a friendly us as they thought we were 'a bit lairy'.

Suspensions were few and far between during the Junta era but this was mainly due to invariably supplying our own referees, Marc Kent or Matt Bowles. Kent was forced to send-off Mark Webster in the notorious clash with Starpoint in 1988 but he was too inept to report it to the League (that, or we bribed him) so Flaggy kept his place in the side. Steve Adams, one of the most underrated thugs in the club's history, did serve a ban the following season after chinning an opposition forward.

In one match a few years later, the hapless Kent even attempted to send off two spectators, namely David Preston and Phil Culshaw for calling him a 'useless cunt'. As neither was registered at the time there was fuck all he could do, so the pair continued to abuse him for the rest of the game.

And just to prove that we were capable of turning the other cheek, let us not forget a County Cup tie against The Rose of Denmark in Barnes in the early '90s. For the entire 90 minutes, we were victims of incessant verbal and physical abuse. Ian Stentiford was hacked down and then called a "cunting poof", while Sponge was attacked by the opposing right-back (after quite a long touchline discussion Nobby and El Supremo eventually decided to go to his aid). Despite all this we emerged worthy winners and held our heads high in the dressing room afterwards – a dressing room incidentally, which the ref was too scared to enter. Oh and that reminds me of a dressing room scuffle against Starpoint after Nobby branded them "fucking lairy cunts". Pot, kettle, black immediately springs to mind here.

Broomfield FC sponsored by:

How We Used To Live No. 1

Jock, Wally, Westney, Cab, Hippy, Jim and El Supremo help Richard Brown celebrate his flatwarming in Surbiton in 1985 – the fact that we got hammered earlier in the day and that Richard used club funds for his deposit do not appear to have dampened spirits.

Broomfield Gays No. 1

Despite throwing us off the scent by fathering a child last year, Nicko Coode finally comes out with this violet creation at the premiére of Russell T Davies' new production,The Uphill Gardener.

Quotes competition No. 2

Which Broomfield players said the following:

• Me and Preston are the world's second fattest virgins.

• That's about as useful as a wank, Nobby.

• Look at Mark Webster in those incredible flagshorts.

• I had a bad case of coitus interruptus last night.

• Fuck off Webster, at least I'm trying.

• H maybe my mate but he's shit.

The first correct entry will receive a copy of Substitutions and Me by Michael Brown 

Another Webster

Looking uncannily like Luke, here is one of Ted Webster's kids in cricketing action Down Under. As he was born in Australia, he has every chance of being picked for England in the near future.

Asked if he is a chip off the old block, young Chaz replied "Nah, I'm quite fit, can string more than three comprehensible words together in a row and I don't have booze-addled brain".

Talking of Luke, he is another one who's up for the reunion game – and he's even promised to turn out for us occasionally. Hopefully he has kept as trim and as lithe as his eldest brother.

Old Cranleighans

Although we are still very hopeful of securing a pitch at the Old Cranleighans for our reunion game – a provisional date of 7 June has been mooted – our chances of using this as our home ground are less hopeful. This is due to an increase in rugby pitches at the site and by the remaining football pitches being booked by the Chelsea Academy team (typical). However, negotiations will continue.

On a brighter note, Old Cranleighans do have football pitches throughout the summer, where a number of Sunday Leagues take place (some 7-a-side). Anyone interested in this, let me know ASAP – several of the youth team are keen to take part.

With regard to the reunion game, the following have expressed an interest in taking part: Paul Adams, Steve Adams, Simon Bowell, Matthew Bowles, Richard Brown, Nicko Coode, Phil Culshaw, Nich Hills, Martin Lambert, Jon Lewis, David Lloyd, David Preston, Howard Pryce, Cameron Ramsey, Stuart Ramsey, Will Stephenson, Ian Wilson.

Once again, if you are interested, or know of someone else interested, get in touch with me at davidpreston1@mac.com – we will have to book the pitch within the next couple of weeks.

Second Broomfield Website Now Online!!!!

Okay, most football teams have a website (and admittedly most football teams have a football team) but we here at Broomfield aren't like most Football teams. That is why we can exclusively announce the launch of a second Broomfield website. Whilst the Brromfield Blog will remain the first stop for all the very latest news on your favourite football team (particularly if you like swearing), the second site has been developed in anticipation of re-entry into competitive football in 18 months time. Once it is fully activated, this is where you will be able to find:

• Fixtures, Results and League Tables

• Appearances and Goalscorers

• Season-by-season retrospective

• Player profiles of anyone who has played for Broomfield

• Photo Albums

• Club History

• Contact details for other players

• News updates

The site is still under construction but we have already included some basic player information and will be updating continually. From the drop down menu on the left of the homepage, click on The Squad to see a list of all the players so far included.

Oh yes, and the site address is http://clubwebsite.co.uk/broomfield01

Bookmark this NOW!!!!

As I have said before, please let me have any names of players not included on the list. I cannot give ages on the profiles without a full date of birth, so please let me have yours.

Coming Soon: THE BROOMFIELD PODCAST

We are pleased to announce that we will shortly be launching The Broomfield Podcast – a weekly compendium of fun, frolics, swearing and interviews relating to all things Broomfield as we build-up to the relaunch of North-East Surrey's 473rd favourite football team. The launch date will be 18 April 2009. It can be found at http://theprestons.lybsyn.com and you will be able to subscribe to it free of charge from iTunes – it will be listed, somewhat hopefully, under Sport and Recreation>Amateur.

Forthcoming shows will include:

• Should You Give Your Grandchild Guinness?

• David Lloyd Centenary Special

• Chris McEvoy – Live At The Apollo

Tune in and, er, fall asleep.

The New Kit

As we will be looking to have quite a large pool of players – some very fat, some skinny, we will probably be looking to purchase 20 kits (including the goalkeeper).

Prostar seem to be on the cheapest offering 19 of these, with appropriate shorts and socks, for £409, plus a 'keepers kit (including trousers) at about £45. Anyone have ideas on a preference for colours? If so, PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT below.

Broomfield Update

Club Dinner

If there is enough interest (which is highly debatable), we are hoping to hold a Broomfield Club Dinner in June 2009. The proposed venue will be the latest addition to Richard Brown's chain of bijou hostelries, The Three Horseshoes in Laleham, near Shepperton. Richard has also kindly promised a free drink to anyone who spends over £500* at the establishment on the evening. Please try and bother to let me know if you're interested and suss out anyone else who was connected with us in the past.

* The equivalent to two pints of Pissenschittler lager and a Steak and Kidney Pie in Bisto Jus

End of Season Match

In a strikingly realistic impression of an old cunt banging his head against a brick wall, I am making one final request for anyone wishing to participate. The more people we get, the less time you will have to spend on the pitch, and we will of course have 'rolling' substitutions, whatever that means. One suggestion is that the game might be Old Broomfield v Sons of Broomfield.

The match is likely to be in May or June at the Old Cranleighans Ground in Thames Ditton (they have pitches throughout the summer). There is a bar there and food is available if that helps. We are hopeful that the Old Cranleighans will become our home ground as from 2009–10, so a good turn-out from players, friends and family would help our schmoozing cause no end (i.e. underlining that we are a bunch of pissheads who will fill the bar up).

Costs

Start-up costs

Kit, balls, equipment = £600-700

Annual costs

Surrey FA – £90 (incl Handbook, Cup entry, Public Liability Insurance)

League Fees – approx £75

Pitch Hire – £500 – £1,000 (depending on where we play)

Referees – 12 games @ £27 per game) = £324

First Aid Kit – £10

Trophies £100

Admin £75

Fines (We're bound to get some) £100

TOTAL £1,174–£1,674

Membership

The plan is to have several types of membership, namely:

Full Membership

Under 21 Membership

Non-playing Membership

I haven't a clue what charges should be at the moment, but as a guide many clubs in the Surrey Primary Youth League charge around £150 a year (although this does include kit). Teams don't generally charge match fees. We would possibly charge £5 match fees (£2.50 for subs). Non-playing Membership would essentially be about paying a little each season to help the club keep going. Under 21 Membership would probably be about 75% of Full Membership.

Fundraisng

Any suggestions on raising funds would be most welcome, and would also help to keep Annual Membership well below the £100 mark. The most obvious avenue is sponsorship. If we play at the OC's then that would rule out a pub but even in these troubled credit crunch times, there might be someone or some business out there prepared to give us some dosh in preference to paying the taxman. There'll be some kind of fundraising match in a year's time and, of course, all donations are gratefully received. A bank account will be opened, once we have found a trustworthy treasurer (which could take some time).

Broomfield Programmes

These appear to be the only club programmes that I can find. If anyone has any more then please let me know. We are attempting to digitise all the programmes and if I forget to create a proper website, I will create new blogs for each issue.

(Note to oneself: I really must get out more)

Woodentops In Action

Under the Freedom of Information Act, we have managed to obtain this picture from police surveillance files of the notorious Hersham Headhunters faction of The Woodentops on the infamous occasion when they took the Surbiton Town dugout.

Sights You Rarely See No. 2 – Simon Bowell Nutmegs An Opponent

Sights You Rarely See No. 1 – Ted Going In For A Tackle

Where Are They Now? No. 3 – Ian Wilson

All fans of winding it up will no doubt be interested to learn that Ian 'Wally' Wilson has now wound up in Dublin, Ireland where he acts as a drinking companion when Hippy makes his occasional grandfatherly visits across the Oirish Sea.

He is something to do with tax and is married to an exceptionally young (by our standards) physio which should help us with calculating club fines and post-match rub-downs. He has promised to turn out for us when he is in the country to watch Fulham outplay the Gooners and the Blue Filth.

Where Are They Now? No. 2 – Glenn Moore

From The Independent website:

Glenn Moore is Football Editor of The Independent having previously been chief football correspondent 1994–2004. He is the last English newspaper journalist to have been granted an exclusive interview by Sir Alex Ferguson, and this season became the first in nearly a decade to interview Arsene Wenger. He is one of the very few journalists to possess the FA Level 2 Coaching Certificate (part one of the two-part UEFA B licence) and is author of Soccer Skills and Tactics.

Looks like we had better get him on the coaching team, provided he no longer has his dodgy 'tache.

Our First 'Follower'

Congratulations to Ted 'Ted' Webster of Cobbers Bar, Sydney, Australia on becoming the first Follower of the Broomfield Blog. His prize is a signed pair of H's Perry Groves underpants and photographic evidence of the time when he became the first Broomfield player not to let the ball bounce.

Where Are They Now? No. 1 – Marc Kent

It has come to our attention that popular former player, referee and Socialist Workers Party activist Marc Kent is now employing his considerable wit, intelligence and modesty as a "Toastmaster and Public Speaking Consultant".

Anyone wishing to have a memorable day ruined by employing a total dickhead should visit this site:

http://www.now-hear-this.co.uk

Broomfield: The Movie

Following Mark Webster's rise to power as a Romanian film mogul, we can exclusively reveal that script development has commenced on a feature-length movie based on our beloved Broomfield. The working title for the picture is said to be 'I Only Pass The Ball To Ted'.

For those wondering whether this loudmouthed, beer-quaffing brawler has changed in any way, his official company profile says his interests include 'sport, wine, theatre and horses'.

It's Official: We Are The Woodentops

Following a poll of our extensive fan-base, we can announce that Broomfield FC's official nickname is now 'The Woodentops'. The name was originally given to our notorious away firm, headed by Jim Aylward and Baz, following a notorious incident against Tadworth Sunday. The nickname will be incorporated into the design of the new club crest, together with a club motto. The exact wording of the motto has yet to be agreed upon, although early suggestions include:

Come on you cunts

Don't let the ball bounce

Wind it up

Michael Brown is a homosexual 

Hicks Returns to Broomfield

We can exclusively reveal that former Fulham 'star' and past Broomfield President Jim Hicks (right) is in negotiations to rejoin the club. It is hoped that Hicks, who was recently appointed the PFA's Head of Coaching, will be in a position to assist the Broomfield coaching staff with tactics and training (once we have a team, some tactics and a coaching staff). Broomfield Sporting Director David Preston has already opened negotiations with another FA-qualified coach to assist the team and is himself in the process of taking his Level 2 coaching badge (when we say 'in the process' that actually means he has bookmarked the address of the Surrey FA website).

The Junta in the 21st Century. No. 2 David Preston

In the unlikely event that some of you are still capable of reading, may we point you in the direction of a great work of literature, namely The Making of a Champion: A World-Class Ice Skater. 

Currently 1,212,183rd on the Amazon Best-sellers list this authoritative tome aimed at 9–12 year-olds was written by one of the country's leading experts on ice skating, er, David Preston.

The Junta in the 21st Century. No. 1 Richard Westney (BA Jack Parnell University)

"As an employer of graduates, one of the key things we look for is what leadership roles people have undertaken in their community. It is important to develop social responsibility and bring that to the workplace. We have recently instigated a volunteering day for all our staff" Richard Westney, Senior HR Manager, KPMG

That'll be the same Richard Westney (seen above outpacing Flagshorts) who demonstrated his leadership role by instigating the ruck against Starpoint (see below). When asked what was the cause of the kerfuffle, the socially responsible defender replied: "He was winding me up, so I kicked the cunt".

Stay in touch with Broomfield

In an effort to kick ourselves kicking and screaming into the modern world (and because I haven't got much else to do), we will be establishing a Broomfied Facebook page and a Broomfield Twitter page so that you can keep a minute-by-minute eye on the club everyone is talking about (well, me and Wally actually). Details we be posted shortly. Also, click the Follow button on the right-hand side of the page so that you can keep in touch with like-minded souls.

Starpoint Ruck