Young Gooners Skin-up

More Programmes and Pictures on Website

Our club historians have managed to dig up three more club dinner programmes, for the years 1987, 1991 and 1992. Pages have been, and will be, posted on the Club Documents page on the Club Website. Click here to see. We have also unearthed some more team photos which have been posted on the Team Photos page  – found under Other Pages on the left-hand drop-down menu. Click here to see.

I'll post a few on here as well but this site has an upload limit,

Broomfield 1988-89

Bad Boys No. 1 Culshaw and Preston

Phil Culshaw recalls this occasion when he and the Boss managed to miss a game.

"I love our commitment to the team. You and I after going to Wal's sister's party in Bethnal Green, still too pissed or really couldn't be arsed to play. So we holed up in a lay-by somewhere then rocked up to the game an hour after kick-off telling anybody that would listen that we were stopped by the police on the way home from the party and slammed in clink for the night.

"Avoiding playing and getting all the team to feel sorry for us. It was a win, win!!"

When asked about this alleged incident, Mr Preston responded: "I have no memory of this, or indeed anything else".

Broomfield FC sponsored by:

* Reposted for contractual reasons

Buying Online?? Please Do It Via The Broomfield Club Shop

Okay, we are ready for the accusations of selling out but buying online goods via the Broomfield Club Shop on our main website really can earn the Club some money. By buying goods, via the our shop, you can earn the club a percentage of the sale in hard cash. Apple for instance will give us 1% of any purchases – quite good when I buy my next laptop, while Dell offers 2.5%. Loads of companies are participating in this, including Tesco Currys and Asda. Go to our main website and click on Club Shop to read all about it.

I've just bought Resident Evil 5 from Game via the Broomfield Club Shop and earned the Club a whopping £1.00. Just as well, actually, as that's the only money we have!

Obviously, only do it if it's the cheapest alternative but there really is no catch as long as you visit a company's site via the Broomfield Club Shop. The company who helped me set up the site receive a commission for referrals but that doesn't affect the ultimate cost. So next time you are considering buying something online, check if the company you're buying from is participating with us, and then purchase it via our shop. No hassle, no form filling just a couple of extra clicks.

I know I sound like a salesman but it really can help us – though I still have to wait a few weeks to get my hands on the £1.00.

You have my guarantee (well, sort of) that this is all above board. OK, enough of the sensible stuff, back to the swearing...

Disciplinary Ramblings

It appears that the club managed to achieve the worst disciplinary record in the entire league for the 1982-83 season. I think that was the season where we had two players sent off in the one game. Cab was one after the referee claimed his penalty had missed when it had actually gone in but had escaped through an unsecured net. In the aftermath, there were allegations of Simon trying to kick the referee and threats of a lifetime ban, but he was back a few games later only to receive his marching orders once again.

The following season saw Charlie Coughlin sent off for violent conduct in a friendly against Berrylands. Quite apart from chasing the ref and several players around the pitch in a scene reminiscent of The Benny Hill Show, Charlie was actually playing under the name of 'Tim Wheeler' as he was banned for two months for, er, getting sent off.

The 1986–87 season was fairly forgettable with just two wins in all competitions and no records of any gross misdemeanours. However, it did end on a bright note with several of the Old Wimbledonians team confessing that they were apprehensive about playing in a friendly us as they thought we were 'a bit lairy'.

Suspensions were few and far between during the Junta era but this was mainly due to invariably supplying our own referees, Marc Kent or Matt Bowles. Kent was forced to send-off Mark Webster in the notorious clash with Starpoint in 1988 but he was too inept to report it to the League (that, or we bribed him) so Flaggy kept his place in the side. Steve Adams, one of the most underrated thugs in the club's history, did serve a ban the following season after chinning an opposition forward.

In one match a few years later, the hapless Kent even attempted to send off two spectators, namely David Preston and Phil Culshaw for calling him a 'useless cunt'. As neither was registered at the time there was fuck all he could do, so the pair continued to abuse him for the rest of the game.

And just to prove that we were capable of turning the other cheek, let us not forget a County Cup tie against The Rose of Denmark in Barnes in the early '90s. For the entire 90 minutes, we were victims of incessant verbal and physical abuse. Ian Stentiford was hacked down and then called a "cunting poof", while Sponge was attacked by the opposing right-back (after quite a long touchline discussion Nobby and El Supremo eventually decided to go to his aid). Despite all this we emerged worthy winners and held our heads high in the dressing room afterwards – a dressing room incidentally, which the ref was too scared to enter. Oh and that reminds me of a dressing room scuffle against Starpoint after Nobby branded them "fucking lairy cunts". Pot, kettle, black immediately springs to mind here.

Broomfield FC sponsored by:

How We Used To Live No. 1

Jock, Wally, Westney, Cab, Hippy, Jim and El Supremo help Richard Brown celebrate his flatwarming in Surbiton in 1985 – the fact that we got hammered earlier in the day and that Richard used club funds for his deposit do not appear to have dampened spirits.

Broomfield Gays No. 1

Despite throwing us off the scent by fathering a child last year, Nicko Coode finally comes out with this violet creation at the premiére of Russell T Davies' new production,The Uphill Gardener.

Quotes competition No. 2

Which Broomfield players said the following:

• Me and Preston are the world's second fattest virgins.

• That's about as useful as a wank, Nobby.

• Look at Mark Webster in those incredible flagshorts.

• I had a bad case of coitus interruptus last night.

• Fuck off Webster, at least I'm trying.

• H maybe my mate but he's shit.

The first correct entry will receive a copy of Substitutions and Me by Michael Brown 

Another Webster

Looking uncannily like Luke, here is one of Ted Webster's kids in cricketing action Down Under. As he was born in Australia, he has every chance of being picked for England in the near future.

Asked if he is a chip off the old block, young Chaz replied "Nah, I'm quite fit, can string more than three comprehensible words together in a row and I don't have booze-addled brain".

Talking of Luke, he is another one who's up for the reunion game – and he's even promised to turn out for us occasionally. Hopefully he has kept as trim and as lithe as his eldest brother.

Old Cranleighans

Although we are still very hopeful of securing a pitch at the Old Cranleighans for our reunion game – a provisional date of 7 June has been mooted – our chances of using this as our home ground are less hopeful. This is due to an increase in rugby pitches at the site and by the remaining football pitches being booked by the Chelsea Academy team (typical). However, negotiations will continue.

On a brighter note, Old Cranleighans do have football pitches throughout the summer, where a number of Sunday Leagues take place (some 7-a-side). Anyone interested in this, let me know ASAP – several of the youth team are keen to take part.

With regard to the reunion game, the following have expressed an interest in taking part: Paul Adams, Steve Adams, Simon Bowell, Matthew Bowles, Richard Brown, Nicko Coode, Phil Culshaw, Nich Hills, Martin Lambert, Jon Lewis, David Lloyd, David Preston, Howard Pryce, Cameron Ramsey, Stuart Ramsey, Will Stephenson, Ian Wilson.

Once again, if you are interested, or know of someone else interested, get in touch with me at davidpreston1@mac.com – we will have to book the pitch within the next couple of weeks.

Second Broomfield Website Now Online!!!!

Okay, most football teams have a website (and admittedly most football teams have a football team) but we here at Broomfield aren't like most Football teams. That is why we can exclusively announce the launch of a second Broomfield website. Whilst the Brromfield Blog will remain the first stop for all the very latest news on your favourite football team (particularly if you like swearing), the second site has been developed in anticipation of re-entry into competitive football in 18 months time. Once it is fully activated, this is where you will be able to find:

• Fixtures, Results and League Tables

• Appearances and Goalscorers

• Season-by-season retrospective

• Player profiles of anyone who has played for Broomfield

• Photo Albums

• Club History

• Contact details for other players

• News updates

The site is still under construction but we have already included some basic player information and will be updating continually. From the drop down menu on the left of the homepage, click on The Squad to see a list of all the players so far included.

Oh yes, and the site address is http://clubwebsite.co.uk/broomfield01

Bookmark this NOW!!!!

As I have said before, please let me have any names of players not included on the list. I cannot give ages on the profiles without a full date of birth, so please let me have yours.

Coming Soon: THE BROOMFIELD PODCAST

We are pleased to announce that we will shortly be launching The Broomfield Podcast – a weekly compendium of fun, frolics, swearing and interviews relating to all things Broomfield as we build-up to the relaunch of North-East Surrey's 473rd favourite football team. The launch date will be 18 April 2009. It can be found at http://theprestons.lybsyn.com and you will be able to subscribe to it free of charge from iTunes – it will be listed, somewhat hopefully, under Sport and Recreation>Amateur.

Forthcoming shows will include:

• Should You Give Your Grandchild Guinness?

• David Lloyd Centenary Special

• Chris McEvoy – Live At The Apollo

Tune in and, er, fall asleep.

The New Kit

As we will be looking to have quite a large pool of players – some very fat, some skinny, we will probably be looking to purchase 20 kits (including the goalkeeper).

Prostar seem to be on the cheapest offering 19 of these, with appropriate shorts and socks, for £409, plus a 'keepers kit (including trousers) at about £45. Anyone have ideas on a preference for colours? If so, PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT below.

Broomfield Update

Club Dinner

If there is enough interest (which is highly debatable), we are hoping to hold a Broomfield Club Dinner in June 2009. The proposed venue will be the latest addition to Richard Brown's chain of bijou hostelries, The Three Horseshoes in Laleham, near Shepperton. Richard has also kindly promised a free drink to anyone who spends over £500* at the establishment on the evening. Please try and bother to let me know if you're interested and suss out anyone else who was connected with us in the past.

* The equivalent to two pints of Pissenschittler lager and a Steak and Kidney Pie in Bisto Jus

End of Season Match

In a strikingly realistic impression of an old cunt banging his head against a brick wall, I am making one final request for anyone wishing to participate. The more people we get, the less time you will have to spend on the pitch, and we will of course have 'rolling' substitutions, whatever that means. One suggestion is that the game might be Old Broomfield v Sons of Broomfield.

The match is likely to be in May or June at the Old Cranleighans Ground in Thames Ditton (they have pitches throughout the summer). There is a bar there and food is available if that helps. We are hopeful that the Old Cranleighans will become our home ground as from 2009–10, so a good turn-out from players, friends and family would help our schmoozing cause no end (i.e. underlining that we are a bunch of pissheads who will fill the bar up).

Costs

Start-up costs

Kit, balls, equipment = £600-700

Annual costs

Surrey FA – £90 (incl Handbook, Cup entry, Public Liability Insurance)

League Fees – approx £75

Pitch Hire – £500 – £1,000 (depending on where we play)

Referees – 12 games @ £27 per game) = £324

First Aid Kit – £10

Trophies £100

Admin £75

Fines (We're bound to get some) £100

TOTAL £1,174–£1,674

Membership

The plan is to have several types of membership, namely:

Full Membership

Under 21 Membership

Non-playing Membership

I haven't a clue what charges should be at the moment, but as a guide many clubs in the Surrey Primary Youth League charge around £150 a year (although this does include kit). Teams don't generally charge match fees. We would possibly charge £5 match fees (£2.50 for subs). Non-playing Membership would essentially be about paying a little each season to help the club keep going. Under 21 Membership would probably be about 75% of Full Membership.

Fundraisng

Any suggestions on raising funds would be most welcome, and would also help to keep Annual Membership well below the £100 mark. The most obvious avenue is sponsorship. If we play at the OC's then that would rule out a pub but even in these troubled credit crunch times, there might be someone or some business out there prepared to give us some dosh in preference to paying the taxman. There'll be some kind of fundraising match in a year's time and, of course, all donations are gratefully received. A bank account will be opened, once we have found a trustworthy treasurer (which could take some time).

Broomfield Programmes

These appear to be the only club programmes that I can find. If anyone has any more then please let me know. We are attempting to digitise all the programmes and if I forget to create a proper website, I will create new blogs for each issue.

(Note to oneself: I really must get out more)

Woodentops In Action

Under the Freedom of Information Act, we have managed to obtain this picture from police surveillance files of the notorious Hersham Headhunters faction of The Woodentops on the infamous occasion when they took the Surbiton Town dugout.

Sights You Rarely See No. 2 – Simon Bowell Nutmegs An Opponent

Sights You Rarely See No. 1 – Ted Going In For A Tackle

Where Are They Now? No. 3 – Ian Wilson

All fans of winding it up will no doubt be interested to learn that Ian 'Wally' Wilson has now wound up in Dublin, Ireland where he acts as a drinking companion when Hippy makes his occasional grandfatherly visits across the Oirish Sea.

He is something to do with tax and is married to an exceptionally young (by our standards) physio which should help us with calculating club fines and post-match rub-downs. He has promised to turn out for us when he is in the country to watch Fulham outplay the Gooners and the Blue Filth.

Where Are They Now? No. 2 – Glenn Moore

From The Independent website:

Glenn Moore is Football Editor of The Independent having previously been chief football correspondent 1994–2004. He is the last English newspaper journalist to have been granted an exclusive interview by Sir Alex Ferguson, and this season became the first in nearly a decade to interview Arsene Wenger. He is one of the very few journalists to possess the FA Level 2 Coaching Certificate (part one of the two-part UEFA B licence) and is author of Soccer Skills and Tactics.

Looks like we had better get him on the coaching team, provided he no longer has his dodgy 'tache.

Our First 'Follower'

Congratulations to Ted 'Ted' Webster of Cobbers Bar, Sydney, Australia on becoming the first Follower of the Broomfield Blog. His prize is a signed pair of H's Perry Groves underpants and photographic evidence of the time when he became the first Broomfield player not to let the ball bounce.

Where Are They Now? No. 1 – Marc Kent

It has come to our attention that popular former player, referee and Socialist Workers Party activist Marc Kent is now employing his considerable wit, intelligence and modesty as a "Toastmaster and Public Speaking Consultant".

Anyone wishing to have a memorable day ruined by employing a total dickhead should visit this site:

http://www.now-hear-this.co.uk

Broomfield: The Movie

Following Mark Webster's rise to power as a Romanian film mogul, we can exclusively reveal that script development has commenced on a feature-length movie based on our beloved Broomfield. The working title for the picture is said to be 'I Only Pass The Ball To Ted'.

For those wondering whether this loudmouthed, beer-quaffing brawler has changed in any way, his official company profile says his interests include 'sport, wine, theatre and horses'.

It's Official: We Are The Woodentops

Following a poll of our extensive fan-base, we can announce that Broomfield FC's official nickname is now 'The Woodentops'. The name was originally given to our notorious away firm, headed by Jim Aylward and Baz, following a notorious incident against Tadworth Sunday. The nickname will be incorporated into the design of the new club crest, together with a club motto. The exact wording of the motto has yet to be agreed upon, although early suggestions include:

Come on you cunts

Don't let the ball bounce

Wind it up

Michael Brown is a homosexual 

Hicks Returns to Broomfield

We can exclusively reveal that former Fulham 'star' and past Broomfield President Jim Hicks (right) is in negotiations to rejoin the club. It is hoped that Hicks, who was recently appointed the PFA's Head of Coaching, will be in a position to assist the Broomfield coaching staff with tactics and training (once we have a team, some tactics and a coaching staff). Broomfield Sporting Director David Preston has already opened negotiations with another FA-qualified coach to assist the team and is himself in the process of taking his Level 2 coaching badge (when we say 'in the process' that actually means he has bookmarked the address of the Surrey FA website).

The Junta in the 21st Century. No. 2 David Preston

In the unlikely event that some of you are still capable of reading, may we point you in the direction of a great work of literature, namely The Making of a Champion: A World-Class Ice Skater. 

Currently 1,212,183rd on the Amazon Best-sellers list this authoritative tome aimed at 9–12 year-olds was written by one of the country's leading experts on ice skating, er, David Preston.

The Junta in the 21st Century. No. 1 Richard Westney (BA Jack Parnell University)

"As an employer of graduates, one of the key things we look for is what leadership roles people have undertaken in their community. It is important to develop social responsibility and bring that to the workplace. We have recently instigated a volunteering day for all our staff" Richard Westney, Senior HR Manager, KPMG

That'll be the same Richard Westney (seen above outpacing Flagshorts) who demonstrated his leadership role by instigating the ruck against Starpoint (see below). When asked what was the cause of the kerfuffle, the socially responsible defender replied: "He was winding me up, so I kicked the cunt".

Stay in touch with Broomfield

In an effort to kick ourselves kicking and screaming into the modern world (and because I haven't got much else to do), we will be establishing a Broomfied Facebook page and a Broomfield Twitter page so that you can keep a minute-by-minute eye on the club everyone is talking about (well, me and Wally actually). Details we be posted shortly. Also, click the Follow button on the right-hand side of the page so that you can keep in touch with like-minded souls.

Starpoint Ruck

Preston scores at Fulham (again)

Okay, not strictly Broomfield-related but here is one of the club's most legendary performers in action at a Premier League stadium (er, when it was a Third Division stadium). Note how Preston soars majestically above the Fulham defence (and a goalkeeper doing a Dambusters impression) to nod home a last-minute winner at a packed Craven Cottage.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

Now with new added pictures!!

Okay after several months of not being arsed, the Broomfield Blog is back – and I might even tell some of you about it. To start off, here are a few pictures to remind you of the, er, good old days. The team pictures are from that classic Old Cunts v Youth Team match in Hampton Wick. I can't remember when it was but Hippy still has some hair so it must be quite a long time ago. I don't know why Ted's and Nicko's stripes are thicker than everyone else's – perhaps they are doing an impression of their cocks, or more likely their brains.