Broomfield Players in Pub... Shock, Horror

Friday 3rd December saw something unusual: a Broomfield Christmas piss-up taking place relatively near to Christmas. The venue, for reasons long since forgotten, was The Victoria in Surbiton. There was initial despair at the news that club benefactor Mark Webster would not be in attendance but after nearly two seconds everyone got over it and instead celebrated the rare sighting of a Howard Pryce out on a Friday night.

While the old boys settled for traditional ales and stouts, the youngsters preferred premium lagers, bottled ciders and any weird tasting liquors that ended in 'a'. For just about the first time in Broomfield history there were also numerous bribes for the Boss. As a result, Harle, Murray, Sales and Taylor are all guaranteed places for the rest of the season.

Olly Sales left early to prepare for another hard day's toil at TK Max while Jon Lewis quietly slipped away into Kingston in the vain hope that some old slappers might actually talk to him without Stephen Taylor in tow.

The most distressing part of the evening followed complaints from some old biddy that some of the team were employing rather too many expletives. As some of the older heads moved in to defuse the situation, there was an unsavoury moment when Nich "The Shredder" Hills outrageously pulled up George Owens' hood, justifiably leading to the Walton postie's claim that his human rights had been infringed. In the ensuing brouhaha, the hostelry owner suggested that our erstwhile centre-back may care to leave the premises. He then decamped to the Coronation where he was joined by the Boss and the rest of the yoof. However, shortly afterwards, showing remarkable presence of mind, he threw himself out, followed by his faithful batman Willie Stephenson.

Those still standing then retired to a local restaurant and were shocked to discover that Nicko Coode wasn't in there.

But the festivities didn't end there. The following day, Messrs Hills, Preston and Pryce Jnr travelled up to North London along with other former Broomfield faces Jim Aylward, Nicko Coode and Ian Wilson to watch Fulham unluckily lose at the Goonerdrome. They were joined by almost-Broomfield player Stuart "I like 'em thin" Tanner and the club's chief scout Brian Blessed.

In attendance: Sam Aylward, Simon Bowell, Richard Brown, James Everett, Nigel Gardner, Lloyd Harle, Nich Hills, Richard Kane, Jon Lewis, Scott Murray, Davoud Nadjafi, George Owens, David Preston, Howard Pryce, Jon Pryce, Stuart Ramsey, Olly Sales, Will Stephenson, Stephen Taylor

Broomfield Awards: A Guide

As the campaign moves towards the midway point, it's time to start thinking about who is going to win what at the prestigious end-of-season club dinner. For those of you unfamiliar with the booty on offer, this what can be scooped by the lucky few:

Player of the Year – Awarded to the club’s outstanding performer and voted for by all players. Please note that goalkeeper’s have twice scooped this prize in past years, despite one of them letting in 83 goals during the season and the other one being a dwarf.

Young Player of the Year – Awarded to the club’s outstanding young player. Originally limited to anyone under the age of 21, the qualification is now under 18, so start preparing your speech Cameron.

Ted Webster Goalscorer Award – Named in honour of legendary former Broomfield centre-forward Ted Webster. Contrary to popular belief it is not awarded to the player who is the most alcohol and drug ravaged, slags off everyone and who fails to pass the ball to anyone except his brother – but rather to the man who scores most goals in a season.

Merit Award – Awarded by the club committee to a player past or present who has made a valuable contribution towards the ‘success’ of the club. Similar to the BRITS Lifetime Achievement Award (apart from the achievement bit).

Sponge of the Year – Formerly known as the Pritchard of the Year, this is voted for by everyone and is awarded to the player who best sums-up the spirit of Broomfield. Qualities looked for include: drunkenness, sociablity, lairyness, disorganisation, swearing, general foul play, failing to buy drinks. Current leader: G. Owens.

Jon Lewis of the Year – Awarded to anyone called Jon Lewis.

Broomfield almost win game

Jon Lewis left the raid-sodden turf at Weston Green a happy man last Sunday, after some geezer's knackered ankle ligaments and a downpour of rain conspired to help him achieve his first clean sheet since he last bought a round.

Webster Increases Penetration

Metrodome has acquired the loss-making Target Entertainment, which distributes shows including Taggart and Fifi and the Flowertots, in a deal worth £800,000.

The deal, which does not include Target's production subsidiary Greenlit, which makes Vexed and Foyle's War, consists of £400,000 in cash and £400,000 from the issue of convertible loan notes.

Metrodome has said it intends to invest in Target with total investment, including the sale price of £800,000, of £3m. The Metrodome executive chairman, Mark Webster, has subscribed to £700,000 worth of loan notes to provide working capital for the enlarged company.

"Target will provide the company with penetration into a well established TV distribution library with circa 6,000 hours of content," said Webster. "As such I am confident that the strong global network of relationships will form the basis of Metrodome's future strategy of becoming a diversified media business, and furthermore will strengthen and enhance future earnings for the company."

The Romanian media company Alerria Management is the largest shareholder in Metrodome with a 52.75% stake. Webster is the second largest shareholder with 12.85%.

Under the terms of Webster's £700,000 investment, he has the option in August 2012 of converting it into an increased equity in the business. This could see him own as much as 35% of Metrodome.

The deal left Webster with approximately £472.20, which he duly spent on purchasing a new kit and change shirts for leading Surrey football team Broomfield.

New Club President

At a meeting of former club secretaries who went under the name of Richard Westney, it was unanimously decided that Richard Westney will henceforth assume the role of Broomfield's Honorary Life President. In assuming the role, Richard is following in a long line of prestigious holders of the title, including John Couper and, er, that's it.

The 2010 Michael Brown Memorial Cup Match

Yoof Team 2 Nadjafi, Brown

Old Boys 1 Preston (pen)

Despite many expectations and predictions, the second annual Michael Brown Memorial Cup was a rip-roaring success. And painful as it is to report, the old boys, almost to a man, were exceptional; it was almost as though Cher herself had come along to turn back time to an era when Broomfield and slick, passing football were inextricably linked. What made this all the more remarkable was that there never actually was a time when Broomfield and slick, passing football were inextricably linked.

As kick-off approached, Yoof team manager David Preston unveiled his revolutionary new formation, so revolutionary in fact that it only consisted of nine outfield players. Once this slight oversight was rectified, the '11th' man Davoud Nadjafi made an almost instant impact by chipping the man mountain Paul Adams for an outrageous opening goal from all of 134 yards. But any thoughts of a Yoof goal-fest were quickly discounted as the Old Boys responded with a series of rapier-like counter thrusts (albeit a fairly sedate rapier).

H put David Lloyd through only to be denied by a save from Scott Adams... yes you read it here first" "Adams" and "save" in the same sentence. The carrot-topped poacher also did some fairly girly movements in the opposition penalty area, reminding us all of that record-breaking season in Australia where he scored 187 goals in just two games, while at the same time rewriting the rulebook on furniture relocation.

The Yoof did have a glorious chance to extended the lead when referee 'Dead-Eye' Dicky Westney pointed to the penalty spot (actually a mole-hill in the middle of the area). To the incredulity of anyone who'd ever watched him play football, Stuart Ramsey then stepped forward to take the spot-kick. Displaying a skill and poise that reminded spectators of Monty Pansesar coming out to bat against Glenn McGrath, the fleet-footed speedster duly dispatched the ball in the general direction of the Reigate bypass.

The oldtimers continued to confound critics and care-workers alike by more than holding their own in the second half. Paul Adams, in particular, proved that everything really does come to those who wait by producing a number of fine saves to deny the Yoof team's pugnacious strike fore, led by the inimitable 'Deadly' Dougie Brown.

However, Old Father Time's creeping influence on the game finally started to win through. Luke Gardner's blistering header rattled the crossbar and soon after one of the 37 Browns on the pitch extended the youngsters' lead following a goalmouth scramble. Despite Adams' efforts, the game's outstanding piece of custodian craftsmanship came from Jon "Quiet As A Church Mouse" Lewis, who brilliantly turned over a stunning Mark Webster strike.

It was round about this time that the old-boys coach Kipper Kane finally gave way to the baying fans and introduced his secret weapon. Forming Broomfield's first-ever twin-pronged Ginger strike force, David Preston soon proved his worth. Causing turmoil in the opposition penalty box, he was the victim of a cruel, scything tackle from a Yoof team player who had tried to fox the lanky line-leader by employing a Klingon Invisibility Shield.

However, referee Westney is nobody's fool (well he is actually but never mind) and immediately pointed to the spot. After receiving lengthy treatment for a suspected fractured nose-hair, Preston dusted himself down and stepped up to fire a rasping right-footed drive past the hapless Lewis.

Soon after, Westney signalled the end to a game full of drama, passion, skill and tight red shorts. Ali Kane won the penalty competition, though sadly his father's team were disqualified from the Relay Race after blatantly cheating.

PS To anyone from Sainsbury's in Weybridge who is reading this, the Baker Bill Stephenson mentioned in the above report is in no way connected to the Baker Bill Stephenson who failed to make it into work on Sunday due to a serious case of food poisoning

Man of the Match was Baker Bill Stephenson

Old (and rich) Man of the Match was HRH Lord Flagshorts of Monte

Goal of the Match: Dav

Old Gits: Paul Adams, Glenn Moore, Nick Hills, Simon Bowell, Richard Brown, Jon Pryce, Mark Webster, Nick Clarke, David Lloyd, Matt Lloyd, Howard Pryce, Stuart Wilson, Dougie Brown, David Preston

Yoofers: Scott Adams, Jon Lewis, Dan Gardner, Will Stephenson, Owen Westney, George Owens, Luke Gardner, Stuart Ramsey, Cameron Ramsey, Mike Brown, Jonny Brown, Lawrence Brown, Freddie Brown, Davoud Nadjafi, Dougie Brown

Referee: Richard Westney

Broomfield in Hamburg

There were extra baggage payments all round on 12th May when the Boss, Flagshorts, Luke, Wally, his brother Stuart and Nicko all ventured to Hamburg to watch the mighty Fulham do battle with Athletico Madrid in the UEFA Europa League Final.

Probably also in attendance was David Lloyd, however due to a surfeit of Jager Bombs, no one could actually see much after midday.

Mark and Luke made it in good time despite their Lear Jet being held up at Heathrow and problems with the spa at their 5-star hotel. Fortunately, their chauffeur was able to make up time in his McLaren Mercedes. Wally was somewhat late after his German guide Dietmar showed commendable Broomfield-like abilities by managing to get them hopelessly lost. However, Nicko and the Boss both arrived at the Irish Bar on the Reeperbahn in time for a light brunch.

Nicko made friends with all and sundry and shared a romantic lunch with the Boss and two sisters, who he tried to sweet-talk once he had got them to confirm that they weren't lesbians.

The Boss's poylmathic life was revealed to all and sundry in the afternoon when a Fulham reveller said to Nicko "hey look, there's the guitarist from Five Go Shopping." Unfortunately Nicko's powers of recall and sophisticated musical knowledge were also revealed when he replied: "nah, he was never in Five Go Shopping."

How anyone made it to the match is anyone's guess, though the Boss, Stuart and Nicko somehow managed to commandeer a cab already full of Fulham fans to take them into the middle of the Black Forest which thankfully seemed to be near the stadium.

After the match, Mark kindly arranged for a private ambulance to take Nicko to the airport, while the others returned in sombre mood to the Reeperbahn. However several gallons of beer and more Jager bombs soon raised spirits and the local fräuleins were treated to some top moves by the assembled throng as well as some male-on-male action from the Boss and another legendary Cobham punk, Chinner.

Wally and the Boss even made it back to their hotel, where they were able to get their heads down for a welcome 28 minutes of sleep before their alarm call.

There are rumoured to be some pictures of the day… these will be posted once anyone can remember where they are.

No Arrests at Sandown Shocker

I am sad to report that this year's trip to Sandown on 23rd April resulted in no arrests, no violence, no vomiting and no divorces (probably). Maybe it's the recession?

El Supremo arrived late after battling through the volcanic ash to see Fulham's thrilling 0-0 draw in Hamburg and got there just in time to see Jon Pryce purchasing his second lemonade of the day.

Biggest winner of the day, both literally and metaphorically, was Mark Webster who snuck off into the car park of The Wheatsheaf with more than a grand in winnings… just enough to tip his helicopter pilot.

Watching Andrew Gardner squirm in The Albert was unanimously voted 'Highlight of the Day' while his brother Nigel showed his unerring positional sense by deciding to stagger off towards Cobham rather than wait for his wife to come and collect him.

As with last year, the two final 'men' standing were Bozzer and the Boss who were last seen 'dancing' with assorted WAGS in The George at 3am in the morning.

2010 Michael Brown Memorial Cup – Reborn on 4th July

EXCLUSIVE: New England Badge Revealed

Wemberley Wemberley

Roy Hogdson, Alex Ferguson, Rafa Benitez and Arsene Wenger go to a pub together Roy generously buys the first round of beers for everyone, this is then followed by Fergy, then Rafa Benitez buys his round and then finally Wenger gets his round in. Everyone's having a great time when Roy goes and buys his second round ... however when he comes back he only has a beer for himself. The other three seem bemused and ask him why he didn't get a round for everyone, Roy replies "sorry, i would, but you guys aren't in the fifth round!"

Broomfield BNP Corner

Lots of pictures from last June's match are now on the Broomfield Fc Facebook page. If you aren't a Facebook member, er, become one.

End of Great Careers No. 1

Our eagle-eyed sweaty camerawoman catches the moment when Nigel Gardner badly ruptures his achilles tendon, marking the end of a long and illustrious career. Either that or someone had just given him his bar bill.

Broomfield iTunes

To start us off, here is a pleasant little ditty that's proving popular with football fans up and down the country:

The dark side, wherever you may be,
don't leave your wife with John Terry,
it could be worse, he could be scouse,
he'd shag your wife, then he'd rob your house

Incidentally, did you hear that John Terry has lost the England Captain's armband?
Apparently Fabio Capello phoned up Wayne Bridge to ask him if he could look under his bed to see if he could find it.

Also, Ashley Cole has been banned from driving after doing 100 mph in a 50 mph zone, he says he was being chased by paparazzi, the real reason was he was running late and John Terry was round for tea.

Possible new date for match – Sat. 10th July??

We are now considering the possibility of bringing forward the Memorial Cup game to Saturday 10th July. This is so that we can accommodate Mr Westney's visit and also avoid any potential clash with Wayne Bridge lifting the World Cup for England. It will also mean that the legendary, seminal Surrey punk outfit Five Go Shopping will be able to make a special comeback performance, playing live at the club after the game. This is all dependant on the club agreeing to the proposals, so it probably won't happen, however it may be wise to keep this day and evening free if at all possible. Playing on a Saturday might also mean a potential work clash for some of the youth team (though thinking about it, it's highly unlikely that any of them will have a job).

Hopefully, we will have a confirmed date by the end of the week.

Broomfield Now On Twitter and Facebook

Keep up-to-date with all the news, scandal and gossip surrounding Broomfield by following us on Twitter. Just click the logo on the home page to see the news as it happens. If anyone else wants to post tweets on the page, just let me know.

You can also follow Broomfield on Facebook if you're a member by clicking the logo.

Fulham's new signing – Kaka's Irish cousin

Webster Alert No. 212

Two of our former players in action at Luke Webster's wedding during the summer. One was a fat, loud-mouthed git who never passed the ball and thought that he was better than everyone else, while the other one was a slightly less fat, loud-mouthed git who never passed the ball and thought that he was better than everyone else…

Competition Winner

Congratulations to Nigel Gardner, who won the Spot the Deliberate Mistake in the Michael Brown Memorial Cup Programme. He correctly spotted that the date published was a month out. Friday night saw El Supremo present Nigel with his winning prize: a kick in the bollocks, accompanied by a chant of "Fuck off you crippled yiddo".

Forthcoming Events

23rd April – Racing at Sandown Park, followed by a night out in Esher (but probably not The Bear after last year)

18th or 25th July – Michael Brown Memorial Cup Match at Weston Green Sports Club, featuring special guest appearance by Richard Westney

3rd September – Broomfield Start of Season Dinner

New Decade, New Broomfiled

After seven months of, er, not very much, the Broomfield blog is back in business. To celebrate the relaunch of the website (which was nominated in four categories at the 2009 Broomfield Website Awards), players old, new and some who never played for us gathered at the Prince of Wales in Hampton Court to compare drugs, milk formula, surgical stockings and pacemakers.

Early fears that Richard Condon would seek revenge for Cab's vicious assault on his brother Dominic at The Cricketers in the late '80s were quickly dispelled when Richard failed to recognise him due to the lack of any hair or a bumfluff moustache.

Lord Flagshorts failed to bring Luke with him (no surprise) and also failed to put 200 quid behind the bar (even more no surprise). He was also forced to walk to the pub after generously giving his driver the night off.

The new Youth Team continued to impress by getting drunk, nipping round the corner for a 'smoke' and then getting thrown out. This is in addition to Lloyd Harle's six-week suspension back in November for calling a referee a cunt. A fine prospect.

There was very little violence, except a few scuffles between Andy, Nigel and Richard as to who was going to buy the next round.

The evening rounded off with the traditional sighting of Spike in The Albion and some nutritional sustenance from Sam's Kebabs.

In attendance were:

Jason Amendt, Simon Bowell, Richard Condon, Nicko Coode, Phil Culshaw, Andy Gardner, Nigel Gardner, Lloyd Harle, Nich Hills, David Preston, Howard Pryce, Jon Pryce, Tom Pryce, Stuart Ramsey, Jim Reynolds, Phil Stephenson, Will Stephenson, his mate George (we'll sign him once we know what his surname is) and Mark Webster.

Apologies for non-attendance were received from Steve Adams, Richard Kane, Rob Matthews, Glenn Moore, Dave Palmer and possibly Jock.

New Addition

Congratulations to Howard and Kate for this new addition to the youth team, Isabella Jennifer Rose Pryce, who was born just before Christmas. And before anyone says she can't play for Broomfield, I will remind you that we've had plenty of old women play for us in the past. H has taken to the role of fatherhood like a duck to treacle and now spends much of his time popping round the corner to buy nappies (roughly translated as spending the evening in the Surbiton Flyer with Bert, drinking gay lager and watching Arsenal not win).

Broomfield Wags No. 72

Janet and Sarah Wheeler are pictured quaffing the champagne presented to brother Tim at the Memorial Cup game back in June.

The bubbly was given to Tim in recognition of him scoring thirteen goals and being sent off three times in the same game. An even more remarkable achievement considering he had a broken leg and was on holiday in Majorca at the time.

A bottle was also sent to Nick Wing.