Broomfield Players in Pub... Shock, Horror

Friday 3rd December saw something unusual: a Broomfield Christmas piss-up taking place relatively near to Christmas. The venue, for reasons long since forgotten, was The Victoria in Surbiton. There was initial despair at the news that club benefactor Mark Webster would not be in attendance but after nearly two seconds everyone got over it and instead celebrated the rare sighting of a Howard Pryce out on a Friday night.

While the old boys settled for traditional ales and stouts, the youngsters preferred premium lagers, bottled ciders and any weird tasting liquors that ended in 'a'. For just about the first time in Broomfield history there were also numerous bribes for the Boss. As a result, Harle, Murray, Sales and Taylor are all guaranteed places for the rest of the season.

Olly Sales left early to prepare for another hard day's toil at TK Max while Jon Lewis quietly slipped away into Kingston in the vain hope that some old slappers might actually talk to him without Stephen Taylor in tow.

The most distressing part of the evening followed complaints from some old biddy that some of the team were employing rather too many expletives. As some of the older heads moved in to defuse the situation, there was an unsavoury moment when Nich "The Shredder" Hills outrageously pulled up George Owens' hood, justifiably leading to the Walton postie's claim that his human rights had been infringed. In the ensuing brouhaha, the hostelry owner suggested that our erstwhile centre-back may care to leave the premises. He then decamped to the Coronation where he was joined by the Boss and the rest of the yoof. However, shortly afterwards, showing remarkable presence of mind, he threw himself out, followed by his faithful batman Willie Stephenson.

Those still standing then retired to a local restaurant and were shocked to discover that Nicko Coode wasn't in there.

But the festivities didn't end there. The following day, Messrs Hills, Preston and Pryce Jnr travelled up to North London along with other former Broomfield faces Jim Aylward, Nicko Coode and Ian Wilson to watch Fulham unluckily lose at the Goonerdrome. They were joined by almost-Broomfield player Stuart "I like 'em thin" Tanner and the club's chief scout Brian Blessed.

In attendance: Sam Aylward, Simon Bowell, Richard Brown, James Everett, Nigel Gardner, Lloyd Harle, Nich Hills, Richard Kane, Jon Lewis, Scott Murray, Davoud Nadjafi, George Owens, David Preston, Howard Pryce, Jon Pryce, Stuart Ramsey, Olly Sales, Will Stephenson, Stephen Taylor

Broomfield Awards: A Guide

As the campaign moves towards the midway point, it's time to start thinking about who is going to win what at the prestigious end-of-season club dinner. For those of you unfamiliar with the booty on offer, this what can be scooped by the lucky few:

Player of the Year – Awarded to the club’s outstanding performer and voted for by all players. Please note that goalkeeper’s have twice scooped this prize in past years, despite one of them letting in 83 goals during the season and the other one being a dwarf.

Young Player of the Year – Awarded to the club’s outstanding young player. Originally limited to anyone under the age of 21, the qualification is now under 18, so start preparing your speech Cameron.

Ted Webster Goalscorer Award – Named in honour of legendary former Broomfield centre-forward Ted Webster. Contrary to popular belief it is not awarded to the player who is the most alcohol and drug ravaged, slags off everyone and who fails to pass the ball to anyone except his brother – but rather to the man who scores most goals in a season.

Merit Award – Awarded by the club committee to a player past or present who has made a valuable contribution towards the ‘success’ of the club. Similar to the BRITS Lifetime Achievement Award (apart from the achievement bit).

Sponge of the Year – Formerly known as the Pritchard of the Year, this is voted for by everyone and is awarded to the player who best sums-up the spirit of Broomfield. Qualities looked for include: drunkenness, sociablity, lairyness, disorganisation, swearing, general foul play, failing to buy drinks. Current leader: G. Owens.

Jon Lewis of the Year – Awarded to anyone called Jon Lewis.

Broomfield almost win game

Jon Lewis left the raid-sodden turf at Weston Green a happy man last Sunday, after some geezer's knackered ankle ligaments and a downpour of rain conspired to help him achieve his first clean sheet since he last bought a round.

Webster Increases Penetration

Metrodome has acquired the loss-making Target Entertainment, which distributes shows including Taggart and Fifi and the Flowertots, in a deal worth £800,000.

The deal, which does not include Target's production subsidiary Greenlit, which makes Vexed and Foyle's War, consists of £400,000 in cash and £400,000 from the issue of convertible loan notes.

Metrodome has said it intends to invest in Target with total investment, including the sale price of £800,000, of £3m. The Metrodome executive chairman, Mark Webster, has subscribed to £700,000 worth of loan notes to provide working capital for the enlarged company.

"Target will provide the company with penetration into a well established TV distribution library with circa 6,000 hours of content," said Webster. "As such I am confident that the strong global network of relationships will form the basis of Metrodome's future strategy of becoming a diversified media business, and furthermore will strengthen and enhance future earnings for the company."

The Romanian media company Alerria Management is the largest shareholder in Metrodome with a 52.75% stake. Webster is the second largest shareholder with 12.85%.

Under the terms of Webster's £700,000 investment, he has the option in August 2012 of converting it into an increased equity in the business. This could see him own as much as 35% of Metrodome.

The deal left Webster with approximately £472.20, which he duly spent on purchasing a new kit and change shirts for leading Surrey football team Broomfield.

New Club President

At a meeting of former club secretaries who went under the name of Richard Westney, it was unanimously decided that Richard Westney will henceforth assume the role of Broomfield's Honorary Life President. In assuming the role, Richard is following in a long line of prestigious holders of the title, including John Couper and, er, that's it.

The 2010 Michael Brown Memorial Cup Match

Yoof Team 2 Nadjafi, Brown

Old Boys 1 Preston (pen)

Despite many expectations and predictions, the second annual Michael Brown Memorial Cup was a rip-roaring success. And painful as it is to report, the old boys, almost to a man, were exceptional; it was almost as though Cher herself had come along to turn back time to an era when Broomfield and slick, passing football were inextricably linked. What made this all the more remarkable was that there never actually was a time when Broomfield and slick, passing football were inextricably linked.

As kick-off approached, Yoof team manager David Preston unveiled his revolutionary new formation, so revolutionary in fact that it only consisted of nine outfield players. Once this slight oversight was rectified, the '11th' man Davoud Nadjafi made an almost instant impact by chipping the man mountain Paul Adams for an outrageous opening goal from all of 134 yards. But any thoughts of a Yoof goal-fest were quickly discounted as the Old Boys responded with a series of rapier-like counter thrusts (albeit a fairly sedate rapier).

H put David Lloyd through only to be denied by a save from Scott Adams... yes you read it here first" "Adams" and "save" in the same sentence. The carrot-topped poacher also did some fairly girly movements in the opposition penalty area, reminding us all of that record-breaking season in Australia where he scored 187 goals in just two games, while at the same time rewriting the rulebook on furniture relocation.

The Yoof did have a glorious chance to extended the lead when referee 'Dead-Eye' Dicky Westney pointed to the penalty spot (actually a mole-hill in the middle of the area). To the incredulity of anyone who'd ever watched him play football, Stuart Ramsey then stepped forward to take the spot-kick. Displaying a skill and poise that reminded spectators of Monty Pansesar coming out to bat against Glenn McGrath, the fleet-footed speedster duly dispatched the ball in the general direction of the Reigate bypass.

The oldtimers continued to confound critics and care-workers alike by more than holding their own in the second half. Paul Adams, in particular, proved that everything really does come to those who wait by producing a number of fine saves to deny the Yoof team's pugnacious strike fore, led by the inimitable 'Deadly' Dougie Brown.

However, Old Father Time's creeping influence on the game finally started to win through. Luke Gardner's blistering header rattled the crossbar and soon after one of the 37 Browns on the pitch extended the youngsters' lead following a goalmouth scramble. Despite Adams' efforts, the game's outstanding piece of custodian craftsmanship came from Jon "Quiet As A Church Mouse" Lewis, who brilliantly turned over a stunning Mark Webster strike.

It was round about this time that the old-boys coach Kipper Kane finally gave way to the baying fans and introduced his secret weapon. Forming Broomfield's first-ever twin-pronged Ginger strike force, David Preston soon proved his worth. Causing turmoil in the opposition penalty box, he was the victim of a cruel, scything tackle from a Yoof team player who had tried to fox the lanky line-leader by employing a Klingon Invisibility Shield.

However, referee Westney is nobody's fool (well he is actually but never mind) and immediately pointed to the spot. After receiving lengthy treatment for a suspected fractured nose-hair, Preston dusted himself down and stepped up to fire a rasping right-footed drive past the hapless Lewis.

Soon after, Westney signalled the end to a game full of drama, passion, skill and tight red shorts. Ali Kane won the penalty competition, though sadly his father's team were disqualified from the Relay Race after blatantly cheating.

PS To anyone from Sainsbury's in Weybridge who is reading this, the Baker Bill Stephenson mentioned in the above report is in no way connected to the Baker Bill Stephenson who failed to make it into work on Sunday due to a serious case of food poisoning

Man of the Match was Baker Bill Stephenson

Old (and rich) Man of the Match was HRH Lord Flagshorts of Monte

Goal of the Match: Dav

Old Gits: Paul Adams, Glenn Moore, Nick Hills, Simon Bowell, Richard Brown, Jon Pryce, Mark Webster, Nick Clarke, David Lloyd, Matt Lloyd, Howard Pryce, Stuart Wilson, Dougie Brown, David Preston

Yoofers: Scott Adams, Jon Lewis, Dan Gardner, Will Stephenson, Owen Westney, George Owens, Luke Gardner, Stuart Ramsey, Cameron Ramsey, Mike Brown, Jonny Brown, Lawrence Brown, Freddie Brown, Davoud Nadjafi, Dougie Brown

Referee: Richard Westney

Broomfield in Hamburg

There were extra baggage payments all round on 12th May when the Boss, Flagshorts, Luke, Wally, his brother Stuart and Nicko all ventured to Hamburg to watch the mighty Fulham do battle with Athletico Madrid in the UEFA Europa League Final.

Probably also in attendance was David Lloyd, however due to a surfeit of Jager Bombs, no one could actually see much after midday.

Mark and Luke made it in good time despite their Lear Jet being held up at Heathrow and problems with the spa at their 5-star hotel. Fortunately, their chauffeur was able to make up time in his McLaren Mercedes. Wally was somewhat late after his German guide Dietmar showed commendable Broomfield-like abilities by managing to get them hopelessly lost. However, Nicko and the Boss both arrived at the Irish Bar on the Reeperbahn in time for a light brunch.

Nicko made friends with all and sundry and shared a romantic lunch with the Boss and two sisters, who he tried to sweet-talk once he had got them to confirm that they weren't lesbians.

The Boss's poylmathic life was revealed to all and sundry in the afternoon when a Fulham reveller said to Nicko "hey look, there's the guitarist from Five Go Shopping." Unfortunately Nicko's powers of recall and sophisticated musical knowledge were also revealed when he replied: "nah, he was never in Five Go Shopping."

How anyone made it to the match is anyone's guess, though the Boss, Stuart and Nicko somehow managed to commandeer a cab already full of Fulham fans to take them into the middle of the Black Forest which thankfully seemed to be near the stadium.

After the match, Mark kindly arranged for a private ambulance to take Nicko to the airport, while the others returned in sombre mood to the Reeperbahn. However several gallons of beer and more Jager bombs soon raised spirits and the local fräuleins were treated to some top moves by the assembled throng as well as some male-on-male action from the Boss and another legendary Cobham punk, Chinner.

Wally and the Boss even made it back to their hotel, where they were able to get their heads down for a welcome 28 minutes of sleep before their alarm call.

There are rumoured to be some pictures of the day… these will be posted once anyone can remember where they are.